PILOT EPISODE - Larry Gelbart
Episode Number: J-301
Original Air Date: September 17, 1972

After twelve hours of surgery, Hawkeye and Trapper relax with martinis made with alcohol from a still operating quietly in their tent. Hawkeye has good news. Ho-Jon, the Korean houseboy he has been trying to enter into his own alma mater for medical studies, has been accepted. Hawkeye's next problem is how to raise the money for passage, clothes and tuition. He decides on a party with a raffle... the prize to be a weekend in Tokyo with one of the nurses. Hot Lips and Frank immediately take offense to this plan and demonstrate their anger by breaking Hawkeye's still, creating a fight that finds Frank being assaulted by both Hawkeye and Trapper. Blake is forced to withdraw the passes and tells the pair to cancel the raffle. Finding out Blake's going to Seoul to visit the General, Hawkeye and Trapper proceed with plans for the party, using passes supplied by Radar. Frank is left in command, so Hawkeye gives him a shot while he bends over a patient. Then he and Trapper load him into a bed, cover his unconscious face with gauze, and order a sedative to be administered hourly. The party goes off without a hitch, earning all the money needed for Ho-Jon. Trouble starts when Hot Lips suddenly recognizes Frank and gets him up to alert General Hammond in Seoul. Hammond is prepared to arrest the duo when a load of Canadian wounded arrive. After the General sees the pair perform skillfully in the operating room, he knows he cannot punish them.

Col. Henry Blake is rewarded for his unit's excellent performance record and is transferred to Tokyo in an administrative position. Major Burns replaces Blake as C.O. of the 4077th and immediately pulls rank. Army rules and regulations are strictly enforced. Burns unexpectedly inspects the Swamp, finds conditions deplorable and orders instant clean up. The last straw for Hawkeye and Trapper comes when Burns removes their still. Hawkeye and Trapper plot to get Henry Blake reassigned to the 4077th. They visit Blake in a Tokyo bathhouse where he is getting a massage. Nothing they say about their wretched life at the 4077th convinces Blake to return. Hawkeye, however, has an ace in the hole. At a prearranged time, Blake gets a call telling him that Radar is mysteriously ill. Blake returns to take care of Radar, discovers the ruse and learns from Hawkeye that they tricked him only to show him how much he was needed. Blake agrees to resume his command, but admits that he will miss the massages in Tokyo.

Hawkeye and Trapper discover that an important drug has been hijacked in Seoul by black marketeers. Col. Henry Blake is too busy polishing his new antique oak desk to help them, so Hawkeye and Trapper slip into Seoul to meet with Charlie Lee, head of the black market ring. Lee wants $10,000 for the drug supply. They haven't got the money, but will trade free hospitalization. Lee says his employees already have a medical plan. Instead of giving up. Hawkeye convinces Lee that he needs a beautiful antique desk to enhance his image. Lee is mesmerized by the idea and visits the 4077th posing as a General to inspect the desk. Lee agrees to the deal. He’ll have a truck waiting at 0600 and if the desk isn't in the truck five minutes later, the drugs go to another buyer. Despite the efforts of Frank Burns and Hot Lips to mess up their plans, Hawkeye and Trapper airlift the desk by helicopter to Lee and they get their drug supply.

GERM WARFARE - by Larry Gelbart
Episode Number: J-304
Original Air Date: December 10, 1972

Beds are at a premium in Post-Op so Major Frank Burns orders a wounded POW sent to a prison camp. Hawkeye, protesting he's not well enough to move, finds a solution by moving the POW into the Swamp. The POW needs a blood transfusion and his blood type is rare, AB negative. Radar checks the records and finds that Major Burns is the only one in the camp with the same blood type. While the Major sleeps, Hawkeye and Trapper "borrow" a pint of blood. The next day the POW shows symptoms of hepatitis. Major Burns needs to be tested for the disease, but no amount of tricks will get him to give up a drop of blood. Finally, Hawkeye gets Major Burns to drink a lot of beer and when he heads for the latrine finds that it is dosed for redecorating. The "temporary" latrine that has been set up is designed to get a necessary specimen that is then sent to a Seoul laboratory. While waiting for test results, the entire camp is mobilized to keep Major Burns and Hot Lips from completing a tryst so that she won't become infected. Hawkeye, however, resorts to handcuffing Burns with his arms around Hot Lips as she helps him into his surgical gown in Pre-Op. At last Radar bursts in with the test results: Bums does not have the disease, but he is anemic.

Hawkeye gets incensed when he learns Sgt. Baker has purchased a 17-year-old girl from her family to be his "Moose," or personal slave. Baker has taught Young Hi to do his laundry, cooking, sewing and boot polishing. Hawkeye complains to Col. Blake, but he can't help because Baker's own C.O. has a Moose of his own. Every attempt of Hawkeye's to separate Baker and Young Hi falls. Then, Hawkeye hits upon "Operation Poker." Hawkeye sits across a poker table from Baker, while Radar, hidden in a nearby tent with telescope, reads Baker's cards and relays them via a transmitter to a tiny receiver hidden in Hawkeye's ear. After Radar gets his telescope trained on the game instead of the nurses, Hawkeye cleans up and swaps Baker's I.O.U. for Young Hi. At first she thinks she has new owners and cleans up the Swamp to the point where it's unrecognizable. While Hawkeye tries to find her family, Young Hi works in the medical tent and learns English. Her brother arrives and learns of her new skills — happy that she has become more valuable to him than before. He takes her back to sell her to someone else. Young Hi, however, has learned about the value of freedom because she tells her brother to get lost.

Soon after Hawkeye has deposited his latest poker winnings in his footlocker, a rash of thefts is discovered at the 4077th. Col. Blake, Trapper, Hot Lips and Major Burns all have valuable articles stolen. Frustrated by attempts to catch the thief, Col. Blake orders a tent-by-tent search. All the missing articles turn up in Hawkeye's footlocker. Hot Lips and Major Burns want Hawkeye court martialled. Radar and Trapper keep him under constant surveillance while Father Mulcahy lectures him on "human failings." When a lawyer arrives to defend Hawkeye at his court martial, he decides to do some sleuthing for himself. Hawkeye gets Blake to announce over the camp public address that finger printing equipment has been flown in. Later that night, Hawkeye finds the foot locker holding the evidence in Blake's office has been looted. He assembles all those involved in the Mess Tent and gives them the Perry Mason treatment Hawkeye tells them the articles were coated with a chemical that is right now turning the culprit's fingernails blue. When Ho-Jon hears this, he hides his hands under the table, called out by the bluff. He confesses that he took the articles to bring his mother and sister down from their village in the north. With everything he has saved from his salary and everything he has stolen, he can now afford to bring his uncle, baby brother and sister.

Major Frank Burns is jealous of the way Hawkeye's medical knowledge is relied upon by the others during surgery. He presents a list of complaints against Hawkeye to Col. Blake, who tends to ignore them. To ease the situation, Blake makes Hawkeye the new Chief Surgeon, but Frank and Hot Lips during one of their assignations, take matters further by calling General Barker. Barker arrives at two in the morning and meets with Hot Lips and Frank who tell the General that a patient has been waiting for surgery for one hour while Hawkeye plays poker. Barker confronts Hawkeye at the poker table, but Hawkeye doesn't take him seriously. Hawkeye finally tells Barker that he's waiting for the patient to get some blood and stabilizes before he operates. Barker is still upset and goes to find Henry Blake. Before reaching Blake in Leslie's tent, Barker falls over a trash can, interrupts Frank and Hot Lips in a clinch and encounters Klinger dressed in women's clothes. Later he observes Hawkeye, assisted by Trapper, in action in the operating room. After watching him perform superbly, Barker apologizes and tells Frank and Hot Lips to leave him alone.

Hawkeye and Trapper compete for the affections of Lt. Margie Cutler. Hot Lips gets jealous and has Cutler transferred. Hawkeye and Trapper go to Col. Henry Blake for help. At first there is nothing he can do for them until he decides on a deal. He’ll keep Cutler at the 4077th if either Hawkeye or Trapper will box in the upcoming boxing tournament against General Barker's fighter. Hawkeye volunteers Trapper, then enlists the aid of Radar as a sparring partner. Father Mulcahy suggests a prayer for Trapper, heaven knows he hasn't got one. Barker's boy is Sgt. Flacker, who is big enough to fill a doorway. This calls for drastic measures. Hawkeye plans to soak Trapper's glove in ether. Hot Lips and Frank learn of the plot and switch the ether bottle for water. Trapper takes a beating until Hawkeye gets wise. Trapper waves his glove under Hacker's nose and he finally keels over, falling over the ropes and on top of Hot Lips and Frank. Lt. Cutler, saved by all this, coos over Trapper because he fought for her, while Hawkeye tries in vain to explain he did all the training, plotting, etc.

COWBOY - by Bob Klane
Episode Number: J-309
Original Air Date: November 12, 1972

Cowboy, the helicopter pilot who flies in the wounded, is himself seriously wounded but shakes off his injuries. He is more concerned about an overdue letter from his wife. He wants to be sent home and enlists Hawkeye's help. Hawkeye asks Col. Henry Blake to send Cowboy home, but Blake refuses. He's been tangling with everyone in camp and is in a foul mood. Hawkeye takes Blake for some recreation at the local driving range, but Blake's golf ball is shot out of his hand. Things get worse. A jeep rolls through Blake's tent at night, the latrine blows up with him in it, the mess tent empties when Blake arrives. Morale is at an all time low when Blake decides to leave for some R & R. Cowboy is flying Blake away in his helicopter when Hawkeye discovers gunpowder, wires and batteries in Cowboy's locker. In the chopper, Blake notices that Cowboy wears a parachute and is talking strangely. Finally, the letter arrives from Cowboy's wife just as Cowboy is about to push Henry from the copter. Hawkeye reads the letter to Cowboy and he learns that while his wife was tempted, she has overcome it and still loves him. Cowboy returns Henry to the base and is treated for battle fatigue.

The 4077th is asked to participate in a documentary film called "Yankee Doodle Doctor," which has been commissioned by General Clayton to show the diligent surgeons at work. Lt. Dwayne Bricker, a movie director in uniform, gets in the way of the real life surgeons and they rebel. Hawkeye and Trapper decide that what they have done, at Bricker's insistence, before his cameras is pretentious and untrue. They expose most of his footage, and Bricker leaves the camp in a huff after refusing to shoot anymore footage of Hawkeye. Blake doesn't want his outfit marked as uncooperative. Therefore, Hawkeye decides to make his own film using Bricker's equipment and cameraman. The new version of "Yankee Doodle Doctor" is full of Hawkeye's antics. Then there's a serious talk detailing the reality about battle injuries. Everything they do is not enough because guns have more power to take life than surgeons have to preserve it. The film causes some flack, but Hawkeye dreams of future acting triumphs.

Hawkeye and Trapper have been in surgery for so long they don't know what day it is. When they finally return to the Swamp, they find that their still has dried out. They ask Henry for R & R. but he's preoccupied with going to Seoul for his own R & R. Hawkeye knows that with Blake gone Frank will be in charge and will be unwilling to grant their wish. So, Hawkeye goes nuts. A dog is found in a patient's bed. Hawkeye refuses to go out with Nurse Cutler and later enters the mess tent with what he says is a P.O.W.'s liver on his plate. When Frank touches the plate, Hawkeye chokes him. Frank takes up the problem with Hot Lips who calls Dr. Sherman, a psychiatrist. Hawkeye, sure his ruse has worked, is disappointed to learn he has to see Sherman. He deliberately messes up Sherman's test. Blake returns and he is convinced that Hawkeye is sick. Hot Lips and Frank agree. Radar is called to the rescue. He convinces Sherman that Hot Lips is mad for him and soon Sherman is found in the arms of a struggling head nurse. Blake is shocked. He tells Sherman that he isn't fit to pass judgment on Hawkeye and sends him packing. Hawkeye and Trapper are ready for some R & R when choppers come with more wounded.

Edwina, a new nurse, admits after her birthday party that no one has ever cared for her. She joined the Army in the hope of saving the life of a man who would be so grateful that he'd fall in love with her. Hearing her stories, Nurse Cutler gives Hawkeye an ultimatum: none of the nurses are going to have anything to do with doctors until one of them comes to see what a wonderful girl Edwina really is. Hawkeye can't make her change her mind. Finally he assembles everyone in the Swamp to draw for straws. Hawkeye gets the short straw and proceeds to romance Edwina. He touches her hand and the music swells, but she steps on his ankle and almost breaks it. A great night of seduction is arranged with soft lights, romantic music and martinis set up in the Swamp. But Edwina is a super klutz. She hits Hawkeye in the head with the tent flap, spills martinis on him, backs him into a hot stove when they dance, then breaks all of the martini glasses in her despair over what she's done. In the end, all that Hawkeye has said registers and she realizes she can be herself with a man. She does not have to beat him up to win his love. The next day as Hawkeye and Nurse Cutler see Edwina off to another camp, Hawkeye embraces Cutler telling her she's so smooth and graceful. She stomps on his foot to make him feel at home.

It's Christmas and Hawkeye writes to his father describing his life at the 4077th. Amid the tension of the operating room he can still trade jokes with Trapper, while Frank Burns is forever demanding military discipline. Col. Henry Blake is a good doctor, but as a commander, Hawkeye compares him to Daffy Duck. Father Mulcahy is trying to decorate a Christmas tree while Radar busies himself by mailing a jeep home — part by part. Frank Burns tries to get Corporal Klinger to remove a red handkerchief from around his neck and Klinger lays Burns out, then comes after him with a grenade. Mulcahy tries to intervene. Then there's Hot Lips, the chief nurse, a woman of considerable passion and a stickler for military correctness. She and Frank have eyes for each other, but Hawkeye and Trapper pull pranks that frustrate their assignations. At the Christmas Party, Hawkeye plays Santa. In costume he gave Hot Lips a smoldering kiss which leaves her thoughtful. Just as the party is underway, Hawkeye is summoned to the battlefield. It’s a chest case and another surgeon just won't do. Hawkeye is flown to the battlefield in his Santa suit. Hawkeye ends his letter by wishing his father a Merry Christmas from everyone at M*A*S*H 4077th.

Radar gets a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend in Iowa in the form of a small record. She has gotten engaged to someone else. Hawkeye and Trapper decide that what Radar needs is another girl. Most of the nurses they ask are too busy or not interested. But a new nurse arrives, Lt. Louise Anderson. Radar talks to her and falls in love. When Hawkeye welcomes her to camp, he learns that she is very intelligent. Not only is she reading Plato and Shaw, she's brought along her Bach, Vivaldi and Shostakovitch records. Hawkeye gets Radar to cram by reading "War and Peace," but music is another story. Hawkeye suggests that Radar let Louise do the talking, and whenever she says Bach, he can replay "Ahhh... Bach." When Hot Lips and Frank see Radar and Louise in the mess tent they are scandalized that an officer should be associating with an enlisted man. Hot Lips goes to Henry and warns him to break up the romance or she'll go over his head. Hot Lips and Frank, thereafter, become the victims of a series of pranks that frustrate their romantic inclinations. Hot Lips gives up and Hawkeye makes her promise to leave Radar and Louise alone. But, the next time Hawkeye and Trapper see Louise and Radar together, she is still talking and he is still murmuring "Ahh.h... Bach" just before falling asleep.

Hawkeye tells Sister Theresa that the truckload of goods sent to her orphanage is all from Captain Tuttle. Actually, Tuttle is the imaginary friend Hawkeye had as a child who did all the bad things. Soon, Tuttles grows in dimension as Tuttle signs requisitions for more supplies for the orphans. When Blake asks about Tuttle, Radar reminds him that the pair had breakfast together the other day. Hot Lips and Frank are soon wondering about him, with Hot Lips more interested since Tuttle's personnel file says he is six feet four with hazel eyes and auburn hair. Radar overhears Hot Lips tell Frank she plans to call the General about Tuttle. When she does, Radar has the call patched by Sparky — his friend at headquarters — so Hawkeye can double for the General on the phone. Deciding to get to the bottom of this, Blake tells Radar to summon Tuttle, Hawkeye and Trapper. Suddenly Tuttle is spotted in many places, in OR, in X-ray, with Hot Lips or anywhere but where he can be seen. Soon Hawkeye remembers Tuttle hasn’t been paid and a requisition is put in for 14 months back pay. The Finance Officer comes for Tuttle’s signature only to find Hawkeye in cap and mask ready to sign the form as Tuttle. He donates the back pay to the orphanage. Her gratitude brings the General to camp to decorate Tuttle only to learn from Hawkeye, with a parachute and dog tags in hand, that Tuttle went out to surgery in the field and jumped with everything but his parachute. Hawkeye pays a moving tribute to Tuttle, adding that he's left his G.I. Insurance to Sister Theresa.

Colonel Buzz Maxwell has a slug removed from his thigh. It's a minor wound and he wants to return to the battlefield right away. Hawkeye and Trapper want him to rest, but Maxwell tells him he doesn't need it. In fact, as a graduate of West Point, he has to make use of every opportunity to advance his career. Hawkeye and Trapper are inspired to see if they can keep him around a little longer. Radar learns Maxwell has always been in great health, but that as a commander he's run up twice the casualties while gaining only half the ground compared to other commanders in the field. Frank wants to know why Maxwell hasn't been sent back and bugs Henry Blake. Before Henry and Frank can examine Maxwell, Hawkeye tells him that Henry is a drunk and Frank is gay. At the examination everything seems to indicate Hawkeye was telling the truth. When Hawkeye tells Frank that Hot Lips is getting ready for a date, Frank makes her swear that there's nothing between her and Maxwell. Hawkeye tells Maxwell that Hot Lips belongs to Henry, who at that moment is conned by Radar into making a shooting test. Blake arms himself as Hawkeye offers to help Maxwell. He resists. When Frank arrives, Maxwell tries to hide with Hot Lips, then hits Frank. Blake shows up armed and drunk. Amidst all the confusion, Blake signs a form sending Maxwell stateside for some well-needed rest.

Captain Casey, a new surgeon, arrives and proves that he is very skilled. Meanwhile, Hawkeye reflects on what zombies the war has turned them into, and this leads to a bet with Trapper. Hawkeye wagers that no one would notice if he were to walk around naked. Hawkeye walks into the Officer's Mess naked and nobody does notice, until a G.I. drops his lunch tray. Hawkeye loses. Hot Lips cools to Frank and this puts him in a sorry state: drinking, singing at three in the morning and moaning. Hawkeye can't stand Frank and wants to get him back together with Hot Lips. He makes a fine enemy but who wants him for a friend? They send Hot Lips flowers with an impassioned note from Frank and she takes him back. Meanwhile Radar learns that the Provost Marshall's office is after Casey. Hawkeye tells Casey he's wanted and Casey sighs; it's happened before. He's been a teacher, a lawyer and an engineer, but he just never bothered to get his credentials. Hawkeye tells him to get them because he's a good surgeon. Later that night as Casey is ready to leave, Mulcahy comes to get Hawkeye. When Hawkeye joins Casey he sees that the impersonator has a priest's insignia on his lapel. "Goodbye, my son," Casey says in saintly tones and leaves.

SOMETIMES YOU HEAR THE BULLET - by Carl Kleinschmitt
Episode Number: J-318
Original Air Date: January 28, 1973

Frank Burns throws his back out dancing with Hot Lips in her tent. She dumps him outside the tent to conceal their romantic liaison. Frank is taken to the hospital and applies for a Purple Heart since he was injured within ten miles from the front. Tommy Gillis, an old friend of Hawkeye, arrives. A journalist, he plans to write a book about his wartime experiences called "You Never Hear the Bullet." The next day a trio of patients awaits Hawkeye. Two bandaged from head to toe get into a fight over salami; the other, a youth named Wendell, needs his appendix removed. Later, Wendell's moaning interrupts Hawkeye trying to make time with Nancy. Wendell doesn't want to be sent home, but back to the front. Hawkeye is suspicious of such zeal and gets Wendell to admit that he's underage. Hawkeye goes back to Nancy, but the salami fighters are at it again. He returns to Post Op to find Wendell gone. Hawkeye finds him outside where he learns a girl back home ditched the lad for a man with a war medal. He admits to being 15 and gets Hawkeye to agree not to turn him in, so he can go home a hero. Wounded come in from the front. One of them is Tommy Gillis. He has a torn aorta and is sinking fast only able to say, "Sometimes you hear the bullet." Hawkeye can do nothing but watch him die. Later as he talks to Henry, Hawkeye thinks of Wendell. At least he can save him. He reports Wendell so that he can be sent home. Frank, meanwhile, gets his Purple Heart. Hawkeye, however, takes it to give to Wendell.

THE LONGJOHN FLAP - by Alan Alda
Episode Number: J-319
Original Air Date: February 17, 1973

It's winter at the 4077th. Everyone is freezing since the army has not sent them the proper clothing. The only warm one is Hawkeye since he is wearing a pair of longjohns. Trapper offers Hawkeye sixty dollars and his children, but he refuses. But when Trapper starts coughing and sneezing, Hawkeye gives him the longjohns. At poker the next night, Trapper loses the longjohns to Radar. In the mess tent, Hawkeye thinks he’ll be warmed up by Nurse Beddoes, but she sits next to Radar just to touch his longjohns. The cook makes Radar an extra leg of lamb for the longjohns. When Frank Burns finds the kitchen filthy and threatens to bust the cook to corporal, he gets the longjohns in exchange for leniency. Hot Lips tries to get Frank to say he'd leave his wife for her until she discovers his longjohns and tells him the least thing he could do is give them to her. Klinger, still trying to get his Section 8, threatens to shoot Frank unless he gives up the long underwear. Hot Lips has them so Klinger steals them from her. But, he gives them to Father Mulcahy for absolution for the theft. Mulcahy takes the longjohns to Col. Blake who is about to put them on when Hawkeye and Trapper come in to report the theft of their longjohns. Blake suddenly doubles over in pain and is rushed to the OR with appendicitis. After a successful surgery, Radar gives the longjohns to Hawkeye as evidence of Blake's gratitude. He is just warming up when Trapper begins coughing and sneezing.

MAJOR FRED C. DOBBS - by Sid Dorfman
Episode Number: J-320
Original Air Date: March 11, 1973

Hawkeye and Trapper play another prank on Frank Burns, causing him to request a transfer. As Frank informs Hot Lips, Hawkeye and Trapper tape her anguished protests and his impassioned responses. Meanwhile Henry is having a problem with his tooth and Dr. Kaplan has removed Henry's gold filling prior to making a new one. Radar has equipped himself with a mule and shovel to prospect for gold when he learns that Korea is one of the major gold bearing countries in the world. When Frank tells Hawkeye and Trapper he's leaving they play the tape, which goes out over the camp public address. Hot Lips, publicly humiliated, plans to leave too. Henry, his tooth hurting, assigns the pranksters double duty until replacements arrive in several months for Hot Lips and Frank. The duo try to make up with Frank, but that doesn't work. They take some of the fool's gold Radar has found, augmented with real gold from Henry's filling, and leave it where Frank will find it. When Frank realizes there's gold in the hills, he decides to stay. Hot Lips, who’s already had a farewell party, is not amused. When she finds out that Hawkeye and Trapper are involved she smells a rat The next morning when Frank takes her out to where he has discovered gold they find the whole camp glitters. Hawkeye and Trapper ride in a gold jeep. Later, after surgery, Hawkeye and Trapper apologize for the pranks. Frank is standoffish at first, but comes around and makes a good natured response, whereupon Hawkeye grabs him in a passionate embrace, kissing him while Hot Lips screams.

STICKY WICKET - Written by Laurence Marks and Lany Gelbart; Story by Richard Baer
Episode Number: J-321
Original Air Date: March 4, 1973

Hawkeye and Trapper relieve the tension in the O.R with their usual barrage of wisecracks as Frank denounces them. Hawkeye's patient, Thompson, has shrapnel in the abdomen. Even Hot Lips has to admire Hawkeye as he removes shrapnel from a region of the spinal cord without damaging the nerves. Even though Hot Lips has softened, Frank has not. When Frank asks why Hawkeye makes his life a misery, Hawkeye tells him it's because he is incompetent, inconsiderate, demanding, distracting and dumb. Frank reports this to Col. Blake. In the morning Thompson worsens and Hawkeye can't imagine what is wrong. Penicillin does not help the situation. Frank taunts Hawkeye by calling him Super Surgeon and the pair fight. Hawkeye sleeps next to Thompson, but still can't help him. Henry has a talk with Hawkeye. He asks him to accept that every now and then a patient cannot be saved. Hawkeye listens, but his mind is still on the problem. Hot Lips tries to help him figure out what's wrong. In the middle of the night, Hawkeye jumps out of bed and orders Thompson prepared for surgery. He finds the sigmoid colon has been perforated. Thompson recovers and Hawkeye can once again relax.

THE ARMY- NAVY GAME - Written by Sid Dorfman; Story by McLean Stevenson
Episode Number: J-322
Original Air Date: February 25, 1973

As the 4077th settles down to listen to the Army-Navy football game on the radio, it comes under artillery fire. The unit mobilizes to protect the patients. Henry Blake is wounded by shrapnel and patched up by Radar. But there is a more important problem: one of the bombs has landed in the center of the camp and doesn't explode. Hawkeye calls Col. Hersh at HQ and asks him what to do about it. The Colonel's instructions are interrupted from time to time by developments in the game, but he tells Hawkeye not to disturb the bomb. He has to see if it is still ticking. If it is, the Colonel wants to know the serial numbers of the bomb. It's ticking, but numbers turn out not to be from North Korea, China, Russia or Poland. Hersh suggests they call the Navy and goes back to the football game. Meanwhile the 4077th is pinned down by enemy fire. They can't evacuate the hospital because of their own minefields and can't get help because the Army-Navy game is being transmitted on the field phone. Finally a call comes telling them the bomb belongs to the CIA. Once it stops ticking it detonates in two minutes. Hawkeye and Trapper, padded by mattresses, go out to defuse the bomb. Not long after they have begun, the bomb stops ticking, but instead of exploding it disgorges hundreds of leaflets reading "Give Yourselves Up, You Can't Win. Signed, General Douglas MacArthur." Navy wins the game and Father Mulcahy wins the pool.

CEASE - FIRE - Written by Laurence Marks and Larry Gelbart; Story by Larry Gelbart
Episode Number: J-323
Original Air Date: March 18, 1973

Henry Blake gets a call from General Clayton to announce that while it's not yet official, a cease- fire has been arranged. Blake is sworn to secrecy. He's barely put the phone down when the entire camp starts to celebrate, only Trapper is disbelieving. Hawkeye bets him fifty dollars that the cease-fire occurs. Radar takes a scrapbook around for everyone to sign. Hot Lips and Frank drink champagne and talk about the future, when their relationship will be over. Hawkeye is occupied with parting with Nurses One, Two and Three. He tells all he's married. Klinger starts selling the female wardrobe he's accumulated. Meanwhile Ho-Jon is carting away the camp piece by piece. Blake, happy to be going home, has a warm word with Radar. He's like a son to him. Hot Lips and Frank drink more and become more resistant to their impending parting. She appears as if she's not going to be so darned big about it. General Clayton arrives for a banquet celebrating the cease-fire. Hawkeye provides the entertainment: candid shots of the General kissing Hot Lips. Then, carried away by it all, Hawkeye announces he's forgiving the $1,500 in poker debts owed him. As Ho-Jon is preparing to take the camp loudspeaker, word comes that the war is not over. Hawkeye pays his debt to Trapper, but it's the $1,500 that kills him.

SHOWTIME - Written by Robert Klane and Larry Gelbart; Story by Larry Gelbart Gelbart
Episode Number: J-324
Original Air Date: March 25, 1973

While Jackie, an M.C., makes jokes during a show that is being done for the M*A*S*H personnel, the war goes on as usual. Hawkeye and Frank clash over the treatment of a soldier. Trapper has a worse problem: he's fighting desperately to save a badly injured man. He asks Mulcahy to pray for his surgical skills. Meanwhile Henry is trying to get news of his wife, who is about to give birth back home. Frank gets revenge on Hawkeye — a bucket of water drops on him as he enters the Swamp. Kaplan is about to go home and won't shake hands with anyone for fear of injury. Trapper continues operating and his patient is sinking. Henry learns that a son has been born. Trapper's patient's heart stops, but Trapper massages it back to life. Gradually the patient's blood pressure improves. Radar joins the combo on stage for a wild drum solo. Kaplan is picked up by a driver who he decides is too young. He takes the wheel himself and everyone waves goodbye. There's a crash that puts Kaplan in traction, though the driver is unhurt. Radar is worried about Blake having no infant to cuddle and brings in a newborn Korean and his mother. Hawkeye has the last word in his duel with Frank as he pulls the tent off the latrine while Frank is using it.